Conclusions in Mimetic Theory
by Musings of a Distant Mind
Summary: What happens after the dust settles and Subway has gone home? A lot of thing were said, but does that mean things are crystal clear? Inspired by the season 5 finale, contains spoilers for 5x13. Unbetta'd so beware. R&R. First fic so all opinions welcome.
1. Chapter 1

He'd never been one for grand gestures or romantic overtures, he'd certainly never thought that one day he would be planning one. It just wasn't his style, right? Sure, he could blame it on the post success euphoria, they did manage to save Greendale after all. He could probably also blame it on Shirley too, if he stared at the situation long enough and squinted his eyes, her and her talk about hearts and all. But the truth was, he was doing this all on his own, flying solo if you will. He really couldn't let anyone else get involved and the sappy part of his brain, the same one that wiped away a tear during the notebook, was becoming too large to control. He needed to do this, to go big and really make an impression, at least before his sappiness burst out and embarrassed him at exactly the wrong moment, he was still getting lingering looks from the Dean after all. It wasn't a well thought out plan, Jeff was well aware of that. It had a high chance of blowing up in his face and if worse came to worse there'd probably be no going back from this. But he had to try. Everything that had happened in the past week, Subway taking over the school, his brief engagement to Britta, finding a hobo from the 70s down in a basement, all these things were signs of the apocalypse, and Jeff would be damned if that meant not being able to say what he was truly feeling, at least before the end. Come on, he proposed to Britta for God's sake, if that's not on the Armageddon check list what else is?

That's right, he'd proposed to Britta.

Sure, they were probably never going to go through with it, and frankly being engaged to Britta felt more like they'd just bought furniture together rather than made a major life decision. But the fact of the matter was he had proposed. Jeff "nut up and die alone" Winger had proposed. And there wasn't any way of taking that back. That's why he had to go all out with this, to show her exactly what she meant to him, to show her that she was worth so much more than some half assed engagement. Worth more than some desperate attempt to cling on to the past and worth so more than he could ever really deserve. But that's why he was here wasn't it? Because she didn't care if he thought he wasn't worth it, she didn't care that he'd taken the best years of her life, she still loved him despite all of his flaws and despite his cowardice. That was what he'd taken away from her Winger speech down in the hidden computer lab, that he had to respect her enough to let her want what she wants, even if he thought it would kill her in the end. That she was strong enough to deal with whatever he could throw at her, because she'd been doing it for years. And even Jeff had to admit, she'd gotten pretty good at it.

So that was why he was here, standing outside her apartment building in his nicest suit, a bouquet of flowers and a horse drawn carriage ready to take them away on their date, a secluded picnic he'd personally set up that over looked the river and looked beautiful in the moonlight. Sure, some parts were overkill, but he'd PROPOSED, he had to do something to top that. He actually hadn't even asked her out yet, but was sure the spectacle of it all would win her over, Jeff Winger doesn't exactly do this for everyone you know.

He let out a small breath as he saw her open the door, the brick used to prop it open now sailing around the world with his good friend and his minor celebrity shipmate. She was dressed in her night gown and had her hair down, draped along her shoulders. He probably should have told her to get dressed at least. As she stepped towards him, her eyes a mix of surprise and confusion, he couldn't help but edge back, his body already too conditioned to the idea of running away. But this was something he had to do, something he needed to do, to make everything right, her speech pretty much confirmed it. She wanted him, and now finally he was ready to let her have him.

"What is all this?"

"It's me. It's me saying I'm ready, ready to do this for real."

"What do yo- is that a horse?!" her eyes widened as her stepped towards the animal, an animal Jeff had silently named Thug Hunter, though he wasn't going to ruin the mood like that.

"Yeah, it's our ride." A satisfying smirk appearing on his lips.

"Our what? Our ride for what exactly?" Her voice wavered as she wandered over to the carriage, her fingers trailing along its side.

"Our date Milady."

She froze as he said it, the silence of the night echoing between them.

"Date? I, are you serious?" she turned to him as she said it. But it wasn't quite the look Jeff had been expecting. He was fully prepared for her to start swooning, her Disney eyes going into full overdrive or for her to begin squealing uncontrollably. But the look she was giving him, what was that? It wasn't in any of his prepared responses, what could it be. It wouldn't, no it couldn't be... pity?

He'd just have to power though and stick to the plan, he was expecting some setbacks and he knew that in the end, like so many other things, the fate of this evening would be decided by his words. He took a deep breath, pushing his chest out just a little as he did so, and began.

"Annie, I've know you for over 4 years now, and I've never taken you as seriously as I should have. You are, the weirdest, coolest, most sincere person I know and what scares me the most, is how good you make me want to be." He knew that opener was good, why fix what isn't broken right?

"I want you to know just how much you mean to me, and how much better you've made me, as both a friend and as a man." he stepped forward, his eyes staring directly into hers, time to go for gold.

"This week has been one of the strangest in my life, and at Greendale that's saying something. There was so much going on in my head, so much crap and noise that I couldn't take the time to see what was really in front of me."

"Which was?" She was directly in front of him now, gazing up at him through her eye lashes.

"You," pause for dramatic effect, "You, you've always been there, stood by me through some of my lowest moments. You've picked me up time and time again and forced me to be a man I didn't even know I could be. But you knew. You always knew. From the very beginning you saw something in me that no one else did. I've been selfish, and stupid, and I never gave into those feelings because some part of me thought that they were coming from a child. A love-struck teeny bopper who didn't understand how bad I was. But I get it now. I understand everything. I finally understand what you meant back there when you said 'we have to respect each other enough to let each other want what we want'. I respect you Annie, I can't keep dismissing your decisions because of my hang ups. You're an adult and I have to stop trying to protect you, even if the person I'm trying to protect you from is me. What I'm trying to sa-"

Her hand shot up in front of his face, stopping his flow. Shit. She should be close to tears right now, he's baring his soul at the moment couldn't she at least wait for him to finish before she jumped into his arms? He shifted his weight and caught a glimpse of her face from behind her hand. Her expression hadn't changed.

"Jeff, what I said in the computer lab, that wasn't what I meant..."


	2. Chapter 2

His phone buzzed against the table, vibrating the bed and ringing his already fragile head. Someone was calling. Whoever it was could wait, Jeff was hung over. A few seconds later it stopped, allowing him to drift back off to sleep.

An orange hue bore through his eyelids, informing him it was morning, or at least some point in the day. He really couldn't be bothered with the rest of it and if his body could, it would have thrown his sheets over his head and told the world to back off.

Wait who opened his curtains?

"Morning dumbass."

Crap.

"Morning sweetie. Kids dressed and off to school?" What should have sounded snarky was almost inaudible, his throat refusing to cooperate.

"Good to see your alive dumbass. Though your jabs could use some work."

With all his strength, which really wasn't that much at all, he turned his body around to stare at the pointy faced blonde who was standing by his bed.

"Do you only know the one insult?"

Her arms folded, she huffed a reply before walking out of his room, leaving his door open as she left.

"Dumbass."

It took Jeff a full hour to gather the strength to leave his bed, though the blankets wrapped around his head and shoulders made the move bearable. Each step shook his whole body and by the time he'd made it to the kitchen, where his former fiancée had already propped herself next to the counter, his face was a grimace of pain and pity.

"Sleeping beauty awakes. Or should I be calling you Prince charming?"

His response, a pathetic murmur, enticed a smile from her lips as she slid him a mug of coffee.

"No I can't really can I? The way I remember the stories, the Prince actually manages to get the girl." She stared at him for a moment, studying his face as he took a sip.

"So your here to rub it in?" He hadn't looked up from his coffee, staring at the bubbles as they slowly vanished.

"Not really, I came to see how you were doing. And make sure you didn't, you know." She made a series of awkward hand gestures and gagging noises before Jeff finally got what she was saying.

"You mean kill myself? Come on."

"I know you wouldn't, but _some _people were insistent I come."

"That was an accident."

"So was penicillin."

"Wait what?" He turned his head to her and winced.

"I dunno. How are you feeling, after your performance last night? Very Say Anything by the way."

"You've been hanging around with Abed too much."

"Well I was with him last night..."

He shot a look at her, his eyes widening as he realised the implications of what she had said. It was one thing for the others to simply find out what he did. He was kind of expecting that. But if they actually saw it, he'd be ruined.

Crap.

"Yeah." She said, not realising he'd said it out loud.

For a few minutes the kitchen was silent, each taking it in turns to drink their coffee, neither one making serious eye contact or conversation. After the majority of his coffee was gone, he placed the mug down and, pulling off the sheets he still wore, turned to Britta.

"So, couple of things. Firstly, why are you here?"

"I'm the one that took you home, dumbass." He internally flinched at that last word. It might not be clever but it was certainly apt.

"Thought you'd just arrived."

"After managing to drag your freakishly tall body to the bed I headed home. Your couch is lumpy and there's no way I'm sharing a bed with someone who smells THAT much like alcohol. Like seriously, how much did you drink?"

"I don't remember. At some point I stopped caring about taste and just started ordering the cheap stuff."

"Quantity over quality huh? Wow you must be broken."

Her words left a palpable pause in the air.

"How did you even find me?"

"Abed. He still has those tracker thingies somewhere on us. I'd complain about our civil liberties but it did help us find you."

"You shouldn't have looked."

"We weren't going to. After you left we guessed from the direction you were going that you were heading to L Street. I'm all for drinking your troubles away but when your red blinky thing-"

"Indicator"

"Icon? Whatever, when your thing hadn't moved in 5 hours we figured it was time someone got you. We rock - paper - scissored it to see who'd fetch you."

"We?"

"Me and Abed."

"Right." He hung his head as he spoke, wishing more than just a little that he was still in bed.

"How is-"

"I dunno." She cut him off abruptly. "And I'm not here to help play matchmaker either."

"Who'd want you to?" He was slowly getting some of his snark back.

"I'm just letting you know, after she came back inside she went straight to her room. Haven't seen her since."

For a few more seconds the air grew tense before a devilish smirk appeared on Britta's lips. A smirk that didn't go unnoticed by Jeff.

"What?"

"Just reminding myself what a dumbass you are." She scoffed before continuing. "I mean, a white horse and carriage? Really?!" It was now a full blown laugh and, while the noise was making his head hurt, Jeff couldn't help but smile at her reaction.

"Yeah, completely ridiculous right?"

"Beyond ridiculous. Insane maybe. Unfathomable definitely. Come on Jeff, did you really think that was going to work?"

He gave her that hang dog, the one he'd grown so accustomed to giving when caught out.

"Oh my god you did! You actually thought that would work!"

Slamming her mug on the counter and folding her arms, she leaned back triumphantly.

"Dumbass."

"Yeah." Did he always sound this defeated?

Relaxing her arms for a moment she turned away from him and stared out the window.

"I didn't even get a ring..."

"Huh?"

"Never mind." She stood up and headed for the door, patting his shoulder lightly as she passed him.

"Call me if you need anything, I've got some amazing hangover cures at home. All natural."

"Yeah, because they always do wonders with you."

"Maybe I'll go pick you up a Y chromosome while I'm out too."

Silence.

She had fully expected some sarcastic response from him, one denouncing her and her hypocrisy about gender roles but, nothing. The smirk on her face fell a little as she reached the door. She turned one last time to look at him. His back, which seemed so big before, was hunched and shrivelled, the sheets from his room forming a puddle at his feet.

"You know, you seemed so much cooler when I first met you."

Silence.

With a sigh she opened the door and, before any part of her brain convinced her to stay, she left, leaving Jeff alone with an empty mug and his hangover.

Wait, he hadn't even asked how she'd gotten in.


	3. Chapter 3

It's had been nearly two weeks since Jeff's "humiliation", appropriating the term after finding the Dean outside his apartment dressed like Cinderella. Two weeks. 13 days to be exact, but who was counting? 13 days since he had last spoken to her, last seen her. 13 days since he last let himself think about her, willingly at least. Why hadn't she called him? Seriously, why? The most likely explanation was that she just didn't want to talk about it, and neither did he frankly. But she always wanted to, well, _talk. _About Greendale, about the group and about them. So why hadn't she called?!

Christ, it was Annie. Annie freaking Edison. She'd left him 20 text messages just to say she wasn't speaking to him before. So why hadn't she called him now? Come on, she'd tackle a guy over a notice board but THIS is what she chooses to ignore?

It wasn't like he wanted an explanation, or worse still an apology, though frankly considering how much it cost to actually hire a horse drawn carriage he felt was probably due one. All he wanted to know was that she was thinking about him. That she hadn't just given up on him after his embarrassing attempt at romance. That somewhere out there her thumb was hovering above his name, deciding whether or not to press call. Above all else, Jeff didn't want to feel like one of his old one night stands.

The others had all made various appearances during the fortnight, either trying to console him or distract him, though the pity in their eyes was all the same. They were his friends and, despite how stupid the whole event was, they knew he was hurt. Shirley had turned up at his place hours after Britta, scolding him for not answering her calls but still with a plateful of brownies in hand. She only stayed a short while before leaving, muttering something about not trusting the new babysitter, who according to her, dressed like she'd just left Babylon. But when she checked his apartment for pills, along with anything else she deemed too risky to keep around, Jeff couldn't help but feel like one of her kids. Was he really that much of a liability now?

Abed and Rachel had invaded his front room a few days later, stack of DVD's in hand. It wasn't like Jeff was ungrateful for the company, but 5 hours of Quantum Leap can really put a strain on your soul. Plus, there was also the added bonus of watching a happy, albeit slightly odd, couple curled up on his couch. Something he imagined on more than one occasion with Annie. Not that he'd ever admit it.

Even Hickey made an appearance, stopping by around the 8 day mark, with a bundle of essays and a suspiciously crumpled drawing of a duck. Thankfully he refused to acknowledge that a man he considered a friend would ever do something that sappy and, along with the bottle of scotch he brought along, he was able to help Jeff forget about the ordeal. At least for the evening.

He drew the line when Chang turned up at his door.

"Go away."

"Jeeeeeeeff, its male bonding. We've all had our hearts broken, but lemme tell you, nothing mends a broken heart like a night on the chang."

Slam.

And so here he was, finally out of his apartment and in the world of the living. Sure, he was at a bar again, but at least this time he wasn't alone. He ordered another Macallan neat before turning to look at his drinking partner, the man he considered his oldest friend, at least at Greendale anyway.

"Any particular reason why you chose this place?"

"Problem with it Winger?"

He did have a problem with it. It was a college bar. In his lawyer days this sort of place would have been an oasis in the desert, an unpretentious atmosphere, a bar that stocked all his favourite drinks and, most importantly, young co-eds drinking themselves out of their college tuition. But the same things he relished in as a douchebag now made him feel uncomfortable as a "better person" and adding to the fact that he was also a teacher, Jeff couldn't help but squirm in his seat.

"A little, why here of all places?"

"You wanted somewhere out of Greendale. To avoid any unfortunate run ins, plus, look." Duncan pointed at two blondes standing in the corner, laughing the kind of laugh that only came with one too many tequila shots. "There's plenty to do here."

"Have I ever told you you're disgusting?"

"Plenty of people have but I've never listened. My friend you need to have, what the British call, a knees up. And when I say that, I preferably mean hers."

"What happened to going after Britta? Weren't you going to woo her with your very un-Hugh Grant like charm?"

"That floppy haired idiot's ruined us for Americans."

"So what happened?"

"You proposed you anomaly of the gene pool!"

"I'll have you know my gene pool is very clean."

"While mine looks like bog water." He paused for a moment to let that sink in before fixing his eyes on his friend. "You can't seriously expect me to follow-" he gestured towards Jeff "-whatever the hell you are. If a guy like you was willing to settle down with her what's to stop her not thinking the same about the next monstrosity with chiseled abs and defined jaw line?"

"Are you pissed at me?" His voice sounded higher than it should have been and Jeff had to clear his throat to regain his composure.

"No. Well not really. I get it, you were scared of losing something that mattered to you so you naively latched on to anything that would make you regain some sense of stability. But did it _really _have to be the only attractive women in the Greendale area who didn't show utter contempt for me?"

"There are others," Jeff's mind quickly flashed to Annie again before he shook it out of his mind, the fourth time already tonight. "Hang on, that's why we're here? So you can creep out 22 year olds?"

"Not just me my friend, you. You've finally managed to get out of that den you call an apartment so why not live a little? Enjoy feeling young while you have it."

"Yeah didn't you get the memo? I'm 40 " he said, downing the rest of his glass before motioning for another.

"And yet you look 30, why not take advantage of that?"

"Because I don't want to. In case you've forgotten, I was humiliated by a woman the other week."

"You did that all yourself Jeff. Unless you're animated by Disney, no one does stuff like that."

"I was trying to be romantic." He stared down at the bar, the very words making him itch.

"You were trying too hard. And you were trying the wrong thing." Jeff's confusion allowed Duncan to carry on. "What I'm saying is, did you ever actually consider what she wants?"

For a brief moment Jeff considered his friend's question. It annoyed him. It's true that he never really gave her much of a choice in the matter. He'd just turned up at her apartment, asking to whisk her away, in what would definitely have been the most conspicuous vehicle in the tri-state area. The old Annie would have loved it for sure.

"Look, I thought I knew,"

"Well clearly you didn't. You can't just do something big in the hope that it'll win her over."

"I gave her a whole speech!" He'd risen from his stool at this point, not caring that a room full of people roughly half his age were now slowly backing away.

"I told her how much I cared about her, how much better she made me, how I was finally ready to give us a go. And, and she just-" his last words became a jumbled roar as he screamed his frustration at the now thoroughly scared patrons and bar staff. Memories of a bar mitzvah and a torn suit flashed in Jeff's mind.

For a beat, the entire bar was silent, digesting the moment that had just passed. Some of the women who had previously been eying him turned away, hushed whispers and occasional glances making Jeff feel ridiculous. How in God's name did he get to _this?_ Causing a scene in bars was never his style. Even during break ups and awkward run ins with his one night stands, he was always the calm one. The one in control. He was always so proud of that. Considering he'd just lost it in a bar full of students he probably couldn't say that again.

Almost reading his mind, Duncan began.

"You know what your problem is?"

"Oh do tell me."

"You always want to be in control."

For a second Jeff's mind went blank as he stared, mouth agape, at the man sitting next to him.

"You can't help but want everything on your terms. The group, wearing shorts, bloody fucking meow meow beans! Any of these things ringing a bell?" Duncan's swearing like an American was a sure sign he was starting to feel the effects of the bar's two for one singles.

"I, I do NOT want everything on my terms!" Shirley wasn't around, screw it he'd lie.

"Oh of course you bloody do, you always want your own way, then sulk when you don't get it. That's why we're fucking here!"

They glared at each other for a moment, Jeff still towering over Duncan, despite the fact that he had now stood up as well. After what seemed like the longest minute in history, they both took a breath and sat back down. The barman had shifted to the other side of the bar, purposefully avoiding the two middle aged men arguing at the far end. Getting a drink was going to take a while.

"No counting whether you're right or not, which you aren't by the way. Why would I listen to you, of all people?" Sure Duncan was a licensed psychologist, at least Jeff hoped he was. But his life was just as screwed up as Jeff's was, if not even more so.

"Because Jeff, "Duncan exhaled a sigh before placing his hand on Jeff's shoulder. "I'm your friend."

He stumbled back into his apartment at around half past 3, landing on his couch with a thud. He fumbled his phone out of his pocket at squinted at the screen. Nothing.


	4. Chapter 4

"Are you sure about this?"

"Yes Abed. I'm very sure."

"Ok, its just that movies where the main character's psyche is placed under extreme stress never tend to end well. Just look at John Rambo."

"I don't think me ignoring Jeff quite measures up to having PTSD."

"To someone as emotionally insecure as Jeff the distinction is moot. For someone whose never been in love before, I imagine the mental anguish caused by it can be seen as something similar to war. It would also help explain Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I could never get my head around the point of that film."

"Well you have Rachel now, maybe you'll start to understand it a little bit better. Besides, he's been in love before..."

"What? When? Hmm, if Jeff's been in love before then I need to update my Crazy Quilt of Destiny. Could you tell me any more details? Length of time, seriousness, reasons it ended?"

"Abed!"

"Sorry. Not my place to ask. Right?"

"Right."

"Anyway, the others should be here soon. I told Britta to pick up Jeff, then ring me when they're on their way. That should give you ample time to leave via the fire escape. It only goes as far down as the first floor, so I'll have a pick up waiting for you at the bottom. You'll have to jump, but as long as no one sees yo-"

"Abed! I'm using the front door. Just let me know when they're leaving, ok?"

"Ok."

_Front door slams shut_

"I miss Troy."

XXXXXXXXXX

Summer had passed by like a dream. Except it was one of those dreams where the moment you looked down, you were in your underwear surrounded by a hall full of people all pointing and laughing. To say it went smoothly would have been a lie.

After the painful first few weeks Jeff had finally begun to regain a sense of normality. He saw movies and caught up with his friends during the day, at night he got drunk with his colleagues. He'd even gotten around to teaching a few summer school law classes at Greendale, not something he'd admit to being happy about but the few classes he took a week gave him an excuse to roam the halls.

The only real problem was Annie. She had avoided him all summer, ignoring his calls and texts and ducking into rooms whenever she saw him walking towards her. It wasn't like she was angry, Jeff could tell when she was pissed a mile off. And it wasn't the usual awkwardness that came after their more intimate moments, at the very least he understood those. This, this was different, more purposeful, like she was playing a game she really didn't want to lose. One she couldn't afford to lose. When they went out as a group, she'd find some reason not to come, citing work commitments or prior engagements. When they were forced to work together for something at Greendale, re-loosening the vending machines for example, she'd ask someone else to take her place. When he texted her, and only her, and invited her out for coffee, he got no reply. It was like she never wanted to see him again. And it was driving Jeff insane. He wanted to think he was better than this, more mature than whatever stupid game she was playing. But it didn't stop him staring at his phone every night. It didn't stop him dreaming about her whenever he went to sleep. It didn't stop him cursing the blank screen that greeted him whenever he woke up.

In nearly 3 months, the words he had exchanged with Annie could have been summarized on a post it note. He'd even been to her place a few times, under the pretense of seeing Abed of course, hoping to see a glimpse of her through the door, or catch her coming in or going out, just so he could say hello. It never happened, she was far too crafty to let a bumbling old Jeff Winger out smart her. Whenever he came round, she was always either in her room or out. Even the "surprise" visits he made never seemed to catch her out. Last time he turned up unannounced he found out she was spending the weekend at an Aunt's in New Jersey. The time before that Abed had told him she had decided to go solo to an Inspector Spacetime convention, apparently to get a better understanding of the show and snag herself a signed Geneva poster, though Jeff was pretty certain he saw shadows moving under her door frame. Hell, the time before that she had apparently driven down to Boulder for some shopping, even though Jeff had walked past her car not 10 minutes before. Jeff had gotten the point, she didn't want to see him. Fine, whatever. He wanted to talk to her but that was pretty much impossible at the moment so he wasn't going to go crazy over it, even if inside he was clawing at the walls. Soon he stopped asking about her whenever he turned up, and then altogether, and eventually those trips really did become about just hanging out with Abed. He was a surprisingly good drinking partner, and the bits of him that were just a nest of film references and TV tropes weren't nearly as enjoyable as the reenactments he did of those references when drunk. Honestly, Jeff couldn't tell you the amount of times he watched Abed slide into the room in nothing but a white shirt and socks.

He spent a lot of his time thinking about Annie, what she was doing, why she wasn't talking to him etc. But the nights he spent with Abed, even if they were in her apartment, were some of the best nights he'd ever had.

XXXXXXXXXX

It was Thursday night, the Study Group turned Committee's designated movie night. For almost all of summer, Thursday nights had been exclusively Jeff and Abed's. A night for movies and scotch and all the nerd references you could shake a stick at. It was their haven. But once Shirley had found out about it, as well as pointing out the fact that two men arranging to meet every Thursday night bordered on sinful, the group had agreed to make it an all inclusive event. Apparently all inclusive really did mean _all, _explaining why Jeff now found himself outside Annie's apartment on what was usually his favorite night of the week, with Britta, Hickey and Chang in tow. And yes, he still referred to it as _Annie's. _

"Hey guys, come in." Abed shot a single finger gun in their direction before moving aside to let them in. Shirley and the Dean were already there, taking up the only single seats in the living room, a bowl of popcorn already in the Dean's lap.

"Jeffery!" They both yelled in unison. Jeff didn't know whether to feel happy or sick.

"What the hell am I? The Invisible Woman?" Britta exclaimed, made worse when both Hickey and Chang brushed past her to get the remaining 'comfy' seats.

"You guys suck."

"Ooh I'm sorry Brit-ta. How are you?"

"Better now, thanks Shirley." She said as she took the only remaining seat available, an simple arm rest that placed her almost entirely on Chang. Already the night was off to a great start.

The group settled in to movie night, starting with Brave. It was an idea of Abed's after reading something he called _The Pixar Theory _online. No one else in the group understood and much to Jeff's relief no one asked. All he knew was that Abed was planning on watching all the Pixar films with everyone before the month was out. He'd probably include some running commentary as well but since Jeff had started coming over he was getting more and more used to them. These days he even found them endearing.

"So where's Annie tonight? I haven't seen much of her lately." Shirley asked, unaware that a certain someone's ears had suddenly taken note of the conversation.

"She's taking care of some things tonight. It should all be resolved by tomorrow." Abed replied as he inserted the next film into the DVD slot, a slightly scratched copy of The Incredibles that had been painstakingly wiped in preparation for this evening. Jeff lowered back down into his seat. So she was still avoiding him huh? The old Jeff would have gotten angry. The old Jeff would have stormed out in a huff, heading down to the nearest bar. The old Jeff would have driven to where ever she was and demanded answers. If he thought about things honestly, the Jeff from 3 months ago would have probably done all that too. But he didn't. He simply took a breath, closed his eyes and sunk back into his seat.

His old self would have yelled at him, punched him in the face for not doing everything he could to try and win Annie back. But his new self, his evolved self, had grown up a lot in the previous three months. His nights with Abed, his sporadic classes and even his calls to his mum had given him a new perspective on things. And yes, he called his mum when he was upset. It wasn't a matter of winning her back, she wasn't some prize at the fair. It was about proving to her that he could, one day, be a man that was truly deserving of her. He just wasn't that man yet. He was still stupid, childish, insecure and all those other things that he claimed were 'part of his charm'. Sure, no one could be perfect, but he could never offer Annie something that wasn't even a bit close.

He'd hired a horse and carriage simply because he couldn't bare to be completely honest with her. To look into her eyes and accept that he'd been the problem. A big gesture with nothing behind it, desperately hoping no one would see the imperfections hidden in the cracks. Some part of him honestly thought that by going big, she would forget all the hurt he'd put her through. All the hurt he saw himself inflict on her. Come on, he used the same lines with her that he used on Rich! The thought of it disgusted him. She was worth so much more than repeated words and movie scenes. She was Annie. Not _his _Annie or _our _Annie but her own person, with her own ideas, her own opinions and strength. All he could do was offer her everything, all of him, his entire being, and hope that would be enough. Of course first he'd have to apologize. That is, if he ever got the chance to talk to her.

The night wound down around the first Toy Story film, though Abed insisted on watching it to the end for some reason. By the time it finished, everyone had had enough. Britta had succumbed to gravity's wishes and found herself effectively sitting on a snoring Chang's lap, while Shirley and Hickey found themselves dozing closer together than either of them would have liked. Even the Dean looked exhausted, especially considering the fetal position he was now in curled up in Troy's old arm chair. Everyone hugged and said their goodbyes and blearily headed for their respective homes, Jeff turning his radio to a classic rock station as he drove. Anything else would have put him to sleep.

He stood in the lift of his building, his frame leaning against the side. As he stepped out and headed for his apartment he noticed a dim light beaming underneath his door.

_I was sure I turned everything off before I left._

He put his key in the lock and opened the door before stopping dead in his tracks. Sitting at the end of his dinning table, her face only slightly illuminated by the single lamp she had on, her hair falling over her shoulders and just past her neck, was her. It was Annie.

"Wha-"


	5. Chapter 5

Jeff stood dumbfounded. What was she doing here, in his apartment? She sat perfectly upright, her eyes focused and formidable before her. She actually did look a little intimidating this time and Jeff found himself wishing for the days when all she rated was a light sweat. In her hands was a tightly held piece of paper, weathered through countless rewrites. Did she bring notes? Well it was Annie after all, he shouldn't have been surprised. For a few moments he just stared at her, his mind struggling to piece together the very confusing series of events that had led him here. He was at Annie's earlier right? He hadn't gone out to a bar and gotten fantastically wasted again had he? Last time that happened Abed had to physically drag Jeff from the Greendale men's room, his drunken self yelling the phrase "It's not complicated in the men's room!" to no one in particular. He discreetly pinched his wrist to make sure he wasn't dreaming. Yep, Annie Edison was in front of him.

"Ok, seriously, how does everyone keep getting into my apartment?" He chose the less complicated topic as his ice breaker. He couldn't show her how much he had missed her, at least not yet.

"We all have keys, Jeff. The Dean gave us a set each after your hospital scare." He couldn't see her eyes fully in the dark, but he felt the weight of them as she spoke.

"And why does he have a key? Scratch that why does he have multiple sets?" It was taking everything Jeff could to keep this conversation going. Sure, he wanted to know about the Dean, but he wanted to know why Annie was here so much more. If he had been his usual, impatient self, attacking her with questions and guilt, she'd surely disappear again. And after 3 Annieless months he was NOT about to risk that again. This time he'd wait, wait for her to be ready to start.

"I didn't ask." She delicately cleared her throat and motioned for Jeff to sit down, the only seat at the table the one directly across from her. God she smelled good, like vanilla and lavender. He didn't realise how much he had missed her scent until he could finally smell it again and it took all he could not to reach over and kiss her there and then. Don't be stupid Winger, now is not the time.

"Annie-"

"Jeff wait." She held up her hand to stop him. Again, just like before. "I have some things that I have to tell you before you say anything. Can you not say anything until I'm done? Please?" He nodded. She took a deep and shaky breath as she paused, waiting for a brief moment to know Jeff wouldn't be interrupting again before she started.

"When I was 10 I asked my mum for a dog, not a big one like a Great Dane or anything. Just a little one, someone I could play with when I got home from school, you know, so I wasn't alone. I wasn't exactly miss popular growing up so I never really had friends over. And the few friends I did have weren't what my mum would call 'beneficial' to my studies, or my feelings for that matter. So when I asked for one, when I explained why I wanted one, I expected to get it. Not because I was spoilt or because I thought she couldn't say no to me but because she was my mother. I'd grown up on Disney films and after school specials, it just made sense to me that she'd want me to be happy. To not be so miserable all the time. But she said no. So when she said no I cried. I cried right in front of her the second she said it. Do you want to know what she told me?"

Jeff opened his mouth to say something but stopped as she cut him off. It was so obviously rhetorical but he couldn't help but want to comfort her. To say anything that would cheer her up.

"She crouched down so she was looking directly at me and said 'It's not about what you want Ann.'"

He felt his fist tighten. How could she? To her own daughter too! How could she disregard her own daughter's feelings like that?

"When I was 12 and preparing for my Bat Mitzvah I drew up a list." She wasn't going to let him get a word in was she? Good, if she needs to say something then she should say it.

"It wasn't a long list, it barely covered a quarter sheet of A4. But it meant a lot to me and I'd spent hours sorting it out. It was a list of guests I was going to invite. It was mostly family, cousins and relatives but mixed in were 4 separate names. Ones that weren't family or people my mother had told me to invite. They were my friends. My only friends. The people that I thought meant the most to me besides my parents. When they never showed up I cried all night."

What was she doing to him? He was angry, angrier than he had been all summer. Angrier than he had ever been at Annie or anyone he didn't know for that matter. Why was she telling him this? Because if she asked he'd find the douchebags who made her cry all those years ago and make them wish they hadn't.

"Before you go all _Jeff _about the whole thing it wasn't their fault. Really, it wasn't. The week afterwards I found the list I made in my mum's diary, she'd crossed out the names of my friends and added 4 new ones. They were the children of prominent doctors and health care staff my mother knew, people she thought would be helpful in setting up my future career in hospital administration. When I asked her why she said, 'It's not for you, it's for your future.' and at that time I believed her. I didn't believe her because I had faith in her, I did because it was all I knew. If she said it wasn't right for me then I had to believe her. That's it."

Jeff's anger had simmered, replaced by a complete and utter loathing for the woman Annie unaffectionally called 'mother'. If he ever met her now, he doubted he'd be able to restrain himself. A brief episode of quiet filled the apartment as Annie took a moment. It was hard for her to say this and he could see her eyes drifting from nostalgia to sadness with every sentence she spoke. It was painful to listen to Annie's childhood stories, painful because the very thought of Annie upset made his gut wrench. But it must have been so much worse to live it. To have a person in your life who cares so little, who thinks so little about your feelings. A few rusty gears began to fall into place in Jeff's mind as Annie, having regained her composure and previous formidability, began again.

"When I ended up in rehab it took me a long time to really believe I was doing the right thing." Jeff stared at her as she spoke, her eyes fixed on the tattered paper in her hands. Rehab was never a fun topic for her and the way she struggled as she read made every cell in Jeff's body want to envelop her in a hug he'd never let go of. But this was something she clearly needed to do and Jeff had learnt by now not to get in the way of her and her goals. If anything, it made him scared about where this conversation was leading.

"For my first few weeks there I really struggled with whether or not to go back home. It was silly because I needed the help, I knew I needed it. But I couldn't be sure. I couldn't be sure because some part of me, the same part that accepted my home life, accepted my Bat Mitzvah, couldn't accept that I had made the decision on my own. That I, Me, Annie had chosen to go to rehab against the wishes of my mother. It was the first real decision I had ever made in my entire life. The first one I'd made purely for me, on my own terms. It was so liberating being at rehab, I know that makes me sound all little Annie Adderall but it was true! It was the first time in my life I wasn't being controlled, being made to do things I didn't want to do for people who would never reciprocate. I just felt so free. I made the mistake of telling that to my mother. And you know what happened after that."

For the briefest of seconds Jeff considers saying nothing.

"It wasn't a mistake." It's the best he can do, the only words he can let loose.

Annie startles slightly and he realises it's the first thing he's said in nearly half an hour now. A small but sad smile reaches his lips as she uses her finger to find her now lost place on the page.

Jeff watches her as she takes a few deep breathes, her blazer covered shoulders rising and falling. It was coming wasn't it? She exhaled extra slowly. Here it comes right? Her lips pouted as the last bits of air escaped her lungs. Any second now. She slowly opened her eyes and, for the first time since he'd sat down, fixed her magnificently blue eyes on Jeff.

"Then, I came to Greendale and met everyone. Met you." There it was!

"I loved being there. I still love being there! It's the place where I was able to strike out on my own and become my own person. It's the place that helped me get back on track when I thought my life was over. It's the place where I met 6 of the strangest, funniest and most caring people in the world." She took a moment to prepare herself, steeling her previously depressed demeanour.

"I've grown up a lot at Greendale, made some real strides for my future there. But..." But. The word echoed in Jeff's mind as she stumbled over her lines, despite the script she had written in front of her.

"But...the most maturing things, the things that made me grow up so much, made me the women I am right now, those things were because of you."

Jeff sat there silently, his head hung ever so slightly. This was going to be the hardest part to hear. Listening to how her mother had ruined her life was one thing, but to sit there as she listed off the reasons he had ruined hers too? That was going to take some strength. He held his hands, clasped tightly together. He had to hear this.

"At the end of our first year, when we kissed, I didn't want it to be a mistake."

Huh?

"When we argued in the men's room, I wanted you to come after me."

What's sh-?

"When we conspired against the Dean and I said I loved you, I meant it."

Jeff's eyes darted to hers, she was still gazing firmly at him.

"And when you said you and Britta were getting married..." Her eyes hesitated away from his, just for a moment. "When you said that, I wanted to cry."

What was happening? He was expecting a tirade much similar to earlier, one that explained all the ways he hurt her, all the ways he made her cry and feel just like she did when she was a child. This, this was something different.

"Annie," his voice was soft, affectionate but tentative. He didn't know where this was going anymore, but he needed to find out. She needed to tell him.

"Why are you telling me all this?"

"Because I realised something when you turned up at my apartment at the beginning of summer,"

Jeff mentally thanked her for not bringing up exactly how he had turned up.

"I was so pathetic I didn't realise it until you started speaking..." He hated when she spoke like that. "...about respect."

"What are you getting at?"

"I didn't respect myself Jeff!"

He looked at her as the final gears fell into place. He moved towards her, kneeling next to her as he held her hand in his. She was shaking ever so slightly as he saw her blinking back the emotion.

"That stuff I said in the basement, it really was meant for you and Britta. But when you told me how much you respected me I realised you respected me more than I even respected myself. I grew up with no one thinking about what I wanted, no one putting my needs ahead of their own. Somewhere along the way I stopped fighting for what I wanted all together. All those things we did together, the tranny dance, the men's room, the model UN, I wanted them all to end differently, to end in a way I could look back on and not feel so hurt by."

"But that was all my fault!"

"Yes, yes it was." She replied before softening her eyes to his once more.

"But it was my fault that I let you do it. I let you dictate how everything with us went. I just allowed you to treat me the way you did, without standing up for myself."

"Would you count nearly breaking my nose as standing up for yourself?"

"Yep." She actually had the nerve to smile at him at that comment and Jeff couldn't help but find himself smirking back at her.

She turned in her chair and leaned close to face him, their lips now inches apart.

"My point is, Jeff, I'm done."

Done? His stomach fell through the floor as he heard her words. Shit, she was finally done with him, finished with their little game. It was over! He was getting rejec-

"Done with not thinking enough of myself to just take what I want."

Hang on.

"Done with allowing other people to decide what's right for me. And finally..." She took his face with her hand and raised it to hers.

"...I'm done letting you think you know what's best for us."

He could see his eyes reflected back through hers, a look of openness and vulnerability in them that was in no part hers. This was all so confusing, he had to know.

"Could there be an 'us'?"

She leaned back so that she was upright again, Jeff still on his knees in front of her. She grinned at the positioning.

She rose from her chair slowly, leaning in towards Jeff, her lips meeting his brow before gently sliding down to his ear.

"Ask me again tomorrow." He momentarily indulges in having her breath on his ear before she's gone, her figure swaying its way towards his front door. Before he realises what's happening she's smiling and waving goodbye and looking so much lighter, so much more beautiful than she did when he came in.

"I will!" He finds himself yelling at the now closed door. "I'll ask again tomorrow!" He bolts up from the floor with a smirk and reaches for his phone.


End file.
